Interesting to note that in the UK, R.E.M. clocked up 19 top twenty singles, but only 5 in the USA. Indeed, the last time Stipe and Co even made the top forty in America was a whopping 17 years ago since then theyve had seven top ten hits in the UK. From this we can conclude that Britain is best at liking R.E.M.

O! You soulless mechanic monsters and your relentless quest to turn art into numbers, we hear you murmur, possibly while raising the back of a hand to your furrowed brow. We understand your concern, and so instead we present what were saying is R.E.M.s finest five minutes. From the annoyingly limited CD single of Near Wild Heaven, its an absolutely breathtaking acoustic version of Low, and for our money, Stipeys brooding vocal delivery has never sounded finer.

Its the first of an occasional series of blog updates thatll soon fizzle out into nothing! (Oh we WILL so continue with our World Cup of TV Comedy, really we will.) (Yes, really.) (REALLY.)

Long story short: thanks to our excellent now ex-colleagues, weve got some Amazon gift card virtu-cash to play with, so weve been having a look through Amazon, and there are quite a few great DVD bargains on the go at the moment. Ignoring all the movies on DVD (which will turn up on sale at 2.99 in Home Bargains in three months after being released, so quite why anyone ever pays full price for them well never understand), here are a clutch of brilliant TV on DVD bargains currently on offer.

To make it more fun*, were going to spend an imaginary 50 of YOUR money on DVDs, and subsequently improve your DVD collection beyond all belief. Think of it as a kind of Telly Geek Eye For The Normal Guy Or Girl (But Statistically Likely To Be A Guy). Or as being a bit like that round on Talkin Bout Your Generation where they do something a bit similar only with goods from the past and no-ones noticed yet that the logic behind the game doesnt really work.

(*We may mean fun in the same way that Intel once claimed the Pentium II processor was somehow fun, i.e. not fun at all.)

(All links are to Amazon UK, and include our referral code so we might make a few pennies out of any purchase, though you wont pay an extra bean for your goodies thats the BrokenTV Pledge. If you hate us or just get turned on by the thought of us dressed in rags, feel free to just copy and paste the DVD titles into Amazon yourself.)

1. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy : The Complete 1979 BBC Series 4.87

GENUINE CLASS. Newly remade into a Oscar-magnet of a movie starring Gary Oldman and Benedict Cumberbatch, you can now pick up the original BBC series starring Alex Guinness, Joss You Are No Longer Here Ackland and Ian Richardson for under a fiver. Cripes, eh? We spy with our little eye something beginning with B. (Its bargain. That thing we spied was a bargain. The bargain of this DVD.)

2. Smileys People: The Complete 1982 BBC Series 4.87

JEREMYS IRON? Yeah, we admit that the former Playaway presenter isnt actually in this series, but shush. More semi-sedentary spy escapades with another adaptation of a classic Le Carr bestseller, this time with the likes of Patrick Stewart, Alan Rickman, Bill Paterson, Michael Elphick and Beryl Reid popping up alongside Guinness. At that price, its hard to say no.

RUNNING TOTAL: 9.74

3. Sherlock: Series One 5.49

But Brokes, you may be whinnying at this point, I love the idea of watching the original TV version of Tinker, Tailor, Candlestick Maker, Spy, but I badly need a fix of Cumberbatch excellence. What of folks like us, eh? Weve thought of that. The entire first run of the greatest television series 2010 had to offer, which even includes the different edit of episode one that served as the unbroadcast pilot. At that price, you wont even be slightly irked that episode two isnt that brilliant.

RUNNING TOTAL: 15.23

4. House: Season 4 5.99

Maybe you prefer eighteen* engrossing hours of a grumpy doctor firing pithy putdowns at his underlings? If so, you cant say fairer than House. Well maison (reason) that you wont be able to find the entire season four at a price much bunga-lower than this, no matter how detached you feel from American drama series in general. Wed bet our mortgage on it.

Cripes, weve got just a semi typing all that.

(*Might be less than eighteen, actually. Weve just realised that this might be cheaper than the other boxsets because it coincided with the shorter season runs associated with the US writers strike. Still an utter bargain, mind.)

RUNNING TOTAL: 21.22

5. 15 Storeys High: Complete Series 1 & 2 5.49

This list is a bit light on laffs so far (READERS VOICE: Youre telling me), so what better way to remedy that than by including one of the most underrated comedy series of the last decade and indeed, a series we voted 18th best television programme of the 00s.

If you enjoy Sean Locks appearances on the likes of QI, or him always being the funniest person by far on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, and youve not seen 15 Storeys High, its something you really, really ought to remedy immediately. And at ten bob under six quid for the entire two series run, youd be pretty bloody daft not to, is what were saying.

RUNNING TOTAL: 26.71

6. Black Books: The Complete Box Set 6.99

It often seems to us that Black Books is the lesser heralded of Channel Fours quartet of generally accepted sitcom classics (alongside Father Ted, Spaced and Peep Show). The DVD sets never seemed to have been quite as prominent in Tesco, and the Channel Four PR machine never quite seemed to find fifth gear when it came to promoting each new outing for Bernard and company. While thatd generally be a shame, in this case it does mean you get the entire collection of episodes for what amounts to 2.33 per series. Thats a price so low you wont even mind that unlike the Australian box set of the series, this doesnt come with a free limited edition corkscrew.

RUNNING TOTAL: 33.70

7. Edge Of Darkness: The Complete 1985 BBC Series 3.49

Moving back from sitcom to drama now, and its the acclaimed (which is a word we use when we mean weve not actually watched it, but everyone else says its really good) thriller Edge Of Darkness. The two discs on offer here contain full, uncut versions of the six episodes unlike the earlier DVD release of the series along with a specially made documentary on the making of the series, and something you simply dont see enough on DVD releases, an isolated music track. Better still promotional segments from Breakfast Time and Pebble Mill. Maybe its just us, but were happy to pay 3.49 just for those. (READERS VOICE: Yeah, it is just you.)

RUNNING TOTAL: 37.19

8. The Best of Dave Allen 3.79

Okay, moving on here, weve just priced ourselves out of including the box set of every single bloody episode of Monty Pythons Flying Circus (a stupidly cheap 12.49 considering how much we paid for the R1 A&E boxset about a decade ago if memory serves, the postage from America alone was about twice that). So, if you need a fix of brilliant seventies snickery, we recommend The Best Of Dave Allen, who is after all, the funniest Irishman who ever lived (stop moping, Oscar Wilde; its true). Quite sadly, none of his full series have ever been released on DVD not even his brilliant stand-up-only 1990s shows, one for BBC1, one for Carlton (though well admit, a few of the sketches from At Large are best left in the past), so this Best Of is as good as were going to get for a while. Still, its a heck of a bargain.

RUNNING TOTAL: 40.98

9. Police Squad: The Complete Series 3.49

Youre not the man I married! How can you say that? Because heres the man I married. [OPENS CLOSET DOOR TO REVEAL SURPRISED ZUCKER SMOKING A PIPE]. Weve gone on about this before now, so in summary: come for the complete six episode run of one of the five best US sitcoms ever, stay for the brilliant DVD extra features. IT CONTAINS SCANNED PRODUCTION MEMOS, PEOPLE,

RUNNING TOTAL: 44.47

10. The Plank 2.99

Eric Sykes. Tommy Cooper. Jimmy Edwards. Roy Castle. Stratford Johns. Hattie Jaques. A plank. If you like British comedy history, this is a landmark offering and an unbeatable price. Erm, wood you believe it? (READERS VOICE: You sicken me.)

RUNNING TOTAL: 47.46

BONUS ITEM: Eric Morecambe Mr Lonely (Kindle Edition) 0.99

Eric Morecambes novel from 1981 takes in the career and tumultuous life of fictional two-bit comedian Sid Lewis. Any good? Well, Spike Milligan thought so, but were not yet sure, as weve just bought it ourselves. But hey 99p? No brainer.

A nice enough way to round off the listing, we feel. AND youve got 1.55 left over to spend on sweets. Were too good to you, we really are. Can we have a Malteser? Thanks, we ugh. How long have you had those in your pocket?

Following the runaway success of ITV1 ratings juggernaut (SUB: PLEASE CHECK) RED OR BLACK, Simon Cowells production company Syco have devised a number of new and innovative gameshow formats, due to hit the nation’s screens in 2012. BrokenTV’s Dark Arts Dept have infiltrated Syco’s underground lair to obtain these EXCLUSIVE details on What Simon Cowell Did Next.

THE X AND O FACTOR

Two teams of 512 contestants, one captained by Ant, one by Dec. Each must take part in the world’s biggest game of noughts and crosses, assembling themselves into shapes on a huge 3×3 grid on board an aircraft carrier in the North Atlantic. After each game, the remaining players are assigned into two more teams and the game repeated in a different pointlessly huge locale, until two individuals finally face-off in front of a live studio audience for the chance to win ONE MILLION POUNDS.

EXTREME POOH STICKS

Two teams of 1024 contestants. Two giant logs adorned with the letters ‘A’ and ‘B’, two cannons, and a trip around the great rivers of the world. Only one contestant can ultimately win a trip to Disneyland, where they will battle a giant animatronic Winnie The Pooh (with sticks) for a chance to win ONE MILLION POUNDS.

ROCK, PAPER, DIVERSITY

12,288 lucky contestants have been bussed into Syco’s secret underground studio, where they are expected to predict the outcome of Rock, Paper, Scissor matches between members of inoffensive dance combo Diversity. One lucky winner will be the recipient of ONE MILLION POUNDS, while the 12,287 unlucky losers will be forced into a lifetime of servitude reporting unauthorised uploads of Syco artists on YouTube.

WHAT NUMBER IS DAVID HASSELHOFF THINKING OF?

65,536 contestants are packed into Wembley stadium, and each has been assigned a number between one and a hundred. Will their number be picked by walking internet meme and Syco employee #2457 David Hassellhoff? If so, they get to continue their journey towards winning a prize of HOW EVER MANY POUNDS DAVID HASSELHOFF IS THINKING OF.

HEADS OR TAILS WITH JUSTIN LEE COLLINS

Oh, wait.

Aussie television blog TV Tonight reports that a British version of transgenerational celebrity panel show TALKIN BOUT YOUR GENERATION could well be in the works, with original host Shaun Micallef under consideration to present the pilot episode. Now, that would clearly be great news for British fans of Shaun Micallef, of which there seem to be a surprisingly large amount considering the only work of his to ever be shown in here went out on Paramount on weeknights at 11pm about seven years ago, and whose work has never been released on DVD in the UK. Micallef fans aside, it could also provide a shot in the arm for pre-watershed non-Cowell entertainment on ITV, with the only genuinely exciting new format of the last few years, the marvellous PENN & TELLER: FOOL US being bounced around the schedules so much the series finale was sneaked out several weeks after the rest of the series on a different day of the week.

While some might (incorrectly) argue that the Penn & Teller show held little of interest for those who think magic shows are a relic of the past, TAYG should hold a more universal appeal by design. The format of the game a battle of wits between the Baby Boomer generation, Generation X and Gen Y means that theres something viewers of all ages can relate to. Given the right host and team captains, while its not a format likely to gather a huge audience immediately, it could certainly prove to become a sleeper hit that grows an audience steadily as time goes on, much as happened with TV Burp. Providing of course, that it isnt ditched become the first episodes didnt bag seven million viewers.

A big part of TAYGs success down under is down to the choice of team captains, with the mumsy Amanda Keller, smart-alecky bigger brother type Charlie Pickering and Josh Thomas, very much the Alan Davies of the ensemble, who maintains a pupil/teacher relationship with host Shaun Micallef, combining effortlessly with the format of the show. Another major factor is that the show has evolved as each series has progressed, with what started as a relatively traditional quiz-based panel show having since become less and less conventional, to the point where the episode screened in Australia just a few hours ago saw the cast members switching roles, performing an entire episode dressed up and performing as each other.

Having the right choice of host who in this instance happens to be the co-creator of the format is integral to all this, with more and more of the humour weve come to expect from Shaun Micallef seeping into the show, even going as far to include specially shot sketches with the likes of Francis Greenslade and Kat Stewart, or pre-recorded appearances from characters performed by Micallef himself, such as Former Heavyweight Champion of Goat Island Milo Kerrigan, or a Japanese clich-spouting Hello Kitty toy, with which real-Shaun interacts expertly.

The changes that have taken place are perhaps best illustrated by screencaps of the questionmaster in action. Heres Shaun in the first series, with a modest desk, and a single prop telephone, regularly used to mimic angry calls from the producer each time he delivers an especially corny joke.

By the time of series three, any number of props appear on the desk, changing from episode to episode, most of which are never even referred to (like Shauns Tyrell Corp high-backed chair), while some (such as Stuart the Stuffed Meerkat, who springs up holding items any of the guests might be there to plug) are frequently remarked upon.

And thats before we get to the increasingly common themed episodes, of course:

All of which makes us a little concerned at how the ITV version of the series might turn out (and it would be ITV the show is a Granada Australia/ITV Studios production, so they already own the rights). The last decade has taught us that when ITV has a new light entertainment format, they tend to spin the ITV Whirly-Wheel Of The Half-Dozen Presenters We Like Right Now, and give it to whichever name clicks into place. Should TAYG UK become a full series, we suspect the host would end up being VERNON KAY, DERMOT OLEARY, JONATHAN ROSS, JASON MANFORD or (may God have mercy on our souls) PADDY McGUINNESS. and we cant really imagine any of those having the same sort of impact.

Instead, there are only five real candidates for the role as far as were concerned. And here they are:

SHAUN MICALLEF

THE CASE FOR: Clearly the best at doing the job. Effortlessly funny. A keen student of classic British comedy, so much so that the last episode of TAYG saw him throw in a Goon Show reference. More television viewers in this country would be introduced to the work of Shaun Micallef.

THE CASE AGAINST: Micallef might well not want to be away from his family for the few months of the year that TAYG UK would run, and even then, nor might the co-writers who help make the show what it is. More importantly, we suspect the ITV programme commissioners couldnt countenance the idea of giving a primetime UK television show to someone who isnt already well-known here.

PETER SERAFINOWICZ

THE CASE FOR: Probably the British comedy performer most like the multi-talented Micallef. After seeing Brian Butterfield slot in so well with the Shooting Stars format last week, having occasional questions posed by a pre-recorded Butterfield in a British version of TAYG would be wonderful, and Serafinowiczs inventive humour would be well-suited to coming up with the kinds of question asked during the later rounds of the game.

THE CASE AGAINST: When Peter S does crop up on panel shows like Would I Lie To You or 8 Out of 10 Cats he hasnt really been at his best, though that might because chipping in with the occasional comment isnt really his style a programme centred around him would be a different prospect. More pertinently, with him becoming increasingly popular in the US his was the most interesting character in sitcom misfire Running Wilde, and hes due to take part in the Arrested Development movie he may well have neither the time nor inclination to host an ITV panel show.

ROB BRYDON

THE CASE FOR: Quick witted, able to adapt to a number of personalities, the kind of performer everyones mum likes. Theres a good chance hed be willing to take on the role too, wed imagine.

THE CASE AGAINST: We dont think hed be quite as good in the hosting role as Micallef or Serafinowicz. Might be tied to the BBC we dont think hes fronted anything for another network since 2004s Directors Commentary for ITV1.

JASPER CARROTT

THE CASE FOR: Maybe a bolt out of the blue this one, but his spell hosting early evening gameshow Gits Win Prizes Goldenballs proves that hes perfectly capable of hosting such a show. If Carrott can rediscover the form the saw him become Britains favourite stand-up for the late 1980s and early 1990s, he could still do well here. If nothing else, itd be brilliant to have Jasper Carrott back on Saturday night telly.

THE CASE AGAINST: Now in his sixties, hes probably a bit too old now to go back to doing characters, even if that would only be a minor part of the show. Of the people on our shortlist, Carrott would possibly prove the biggest risk, and theres a large chance hes perfectly happy living off the fortune he made from Celador.

HARRY HILL

THE CASE FOR: Surely hell have to try something that isnt TV Burp eventually? No, were not counting Youve Been Framed, it seems he just knocks out all those voiceovers in a single week. Mr Harry could certainly breathe a lot of life into a British version of TAYG, and the format would give him an ideal opportunity to bring back characters such as Stouffer the Cat or Bert Kwouk.

THE CASE AGAINST: Theres a danger the show would become more about Harry Hill than anything else, and unlike with (say) Shooting Stars where the guests are merely meat in the room, the guests on TAYG are there to actually take part. Such a role would require him to come a little bit out of character at time which as weve seen with his godawful I Wanna Baby single or radio interviews where he bemoans the BBC spending money on programmes that he doesnt like, might not be a good thing.

Sadly, we do suspect that itll be none of the above, and itll probably end up as a vehicle for Keith fucking Lemon. PROVE US WRONG, ITV. Just because Australian television picked the wrong host for their version of TV Burp (Ed Kavalee, who we dont have anything against, just that he wasnt quite right for the series), it doesnt mean that you should return the favour.

Heres a sample clip of the show in action. Its a segment from a special episode where the guests are real-life relatives of the team captains, and where Josh Thomas grandmother Mona puts in a wonderful performance.

So, welcome to the opening match of the BrokenTV World Cup of TV Comedy 2011. Before ‘kick off’, an interesting bit of background – BrokenTV’s Mark X originally came up with the notion of putting each match up to a public vote, in very much the same manner used in the BETEO Song Wars, which he devised and is best at. Upon realising that (a) no-one would really sit through two entire episodes of a TV show before voting in each round, (b) getting hold of complete, legally viewable episodes of each show online would be near impossible, and (c) he’s clearly the best at liking comedy anyway, the decision was made to do things this way.

And so, over to our commentary team for today’s match, Tony Gubba and Egyptian polymath/high priest of the sun god Ra, Imhotep.

TONY: So, a bit of a controversial choice for the finals here. USAVICH is a series of short animations – made for MTV Flux Japan – clocking in at just 90 seconds long. In order to participate, the competition organisers have agreed to count each full season as a single ‘episode’. As that still totals just 21 minutes, it has been agreed to let the plucky Asians take part.,The crowd seem a bit uncertain about this, Imhotep.

IMHOTEP: Suspect the tetchiness of the crowd might be down to us having nicked this fake sporting commentary riff from J Nash, Tony.

TONY: It’s a homage, Imho. You know, like when Family Guy steals jokes from things on telly in the 1980s.

IMHOTEP: Boy, this is worse than the time I dropped acid with the cast of Rentaghost, Tony.

TONY: That’s the level, Imho. Up against Usavich today is oft-forgotten sketch show PAUL MERTON: THE SERIES. Coming from that short period where people let the London-based funnyman make actual proper comedy on television instead of just having him react to things in a wry manner, or front engrossing documentaries on cinema.

IMHOTEP: PM:TS was certainly the high watermark in Merton’s career, possibly even the funniest sketch comedy to ever be shown on Channel Four, aside from Absolutely. The two series run maintained a very high standard throughout, which made it all the more surprising when his two subsequent pilots for the BBC, The Paul Merton Show (BBC Two, 1996) and Does China Exist? (BBC Two, 1997) proved to be on the disappointing side. And nowadays of course, Merton seems to have been replaced by an unfunny doppelganger willing to make jokes about the Daleks’ inability to climb stairs on Have I Got News For You. In 2011!

TONY: Luckily, it’s that high watermark we’re looking at here, courtesy of the entire series being freely available to view on 4OD. The first episode was promoted by Merton wearing a T-shirt that said "TURN OVER AT 11" on Have I Got News For You an hour previous, and a later episode closed with Merton furiously eating a massive bowl of cornflakes, with the punchline being "that was a party political broadcast for the Campaign To Legalise Cannabis" which the studio audience found utterly hilarious but which I still don’t get. But which will episode will be sent out to bat today? Over to King Edward VII at the randomiser.

USAVICH: SERIES ONE

PAUL MERTON THE SERIES: SERIES TWO, EPISODE TWO

TONY: Heres how its going to work. Both of the chosen episodes are to be watched SEMI-SIMULTANEOUSLY (the team tried watching both actual-simultaneously, but things soon got hugely confusing). As events in each programme catch the eye of the referee at key points of the match, points can be added or subtracted accordingly. If it works out at all, Ill be astonished quite frankly. If nothing else, itll be a huge strain on the creaky old PC in the BrokenTV office. Over to todays match officials, the BrokenTV crew.

KICK OFF

1 minute

Paul Merton gets off to a sedate start, with its familiar letters on a washing line title sequence, while Usavich leaps straight into gear with a snappy title card, and a setting well be getting very familiar with, the inside of the prison cell that contains our two rabbit pals, with Green Rabbit jogging keenly on the spot while his cellmate, the volatile Red Rabbit, lies on his bed reading a magazine about sneakers. A prison guard arrives, and delivers the prisoners dinner: one raw fish each. Green Rabbit takes his fish, but before he can drop it into his rabbity mouth, the fish springs to life, slapping him about the face repeatedly in a comical manner.

Red Rabbit looks at his plate, and with clear distain walks to the cell door in order to remonstrate with the guard, throwing his unappetising meal in the cells toilet bowl as he does so. The guard reacts by sliding through an alternate meal: a Looney-Tunes-issue fish skeleton on a plate. Chuffed at his piscine retort, the guard guffaws with gusto through the slot of the cell door, only for Red Rabbit to SLAM the plate of fishbone into the guards chortling chops. The guard chokes tearfully from behind the cell door, and with frenzied rage uses a pair of grabby metal arms to try and beat Red Rabbit with a club. And yes, all that happens within the first sixty seconds.

Over in the Merton corner, the first thirty seconds are taken up with that title sequence before we cut to Paul Mertons chirpy news-stand vendor character, effectively the lynchpin of the show. Aside him on his newsstand is a record player, pumping out some jaunty muzak, which Merton explains contains subliminal messages with which to encourage customers to buy more.

We soon see what he means, as a customer enters (played by Robert Harley). As he requests a couple of items from the stand, the muzak track calmly suggests in a measured tone, buy a newspaper. With a slightly bemused expression falling across his face, the customer appends and a copy of the Daily Rubbish, please onto his list of items.

Nice little bit, but Usavichs cracking pace takes the point: USAVICH 1, PAUL MERTON THE SERIES 0

1-5 minutes

Yeah, were not doing actual minute by minute, wed be here all week. In the time since the last update, Mertons customer felt compelled to buy some cigarettes (what brand? I dont know, I dont smoke), a pig on a stick, and due to the record skipping, eight boxes of chocolates. From here, Merton goes on a riff about sending Picasso portraits into space along with a note asking aliens if any of them look like the paintings because no bugger down here does, and wonders why every single man in Iraq has a black moustache (because they cant all think it suits them). And he said some other things while we were typing all this.

Were on a roll now, and into the first proper sketch, Merton and players at an army medal-giving ceremony (whatever theyre called, were too busy to think properly). Mertons major and the general (probably, no time for fact-checking) soon run out of DSOs, leading to the remaining soldiers picking the medals they fancy most from the box, as if they were a box of Celebrations. The medals soon run out entirely, meaning the squaddies end up being awarded anything Merton can lay his hands on, such as a fag packet, a Shredded Wheat, and a saucepan, all of which are dutifully pinned onto their chests. A nice bit of surrealism, and a nice punchline at the end that we wont spoil. As we reach the five minute mark, a beauty salon sketch opens up, meaning this has been a good five minutes for the lad Merton.

Meanwhile, it Japanese-animation-studio Russia, Red Rabbit has gone totally batshit on the guard, so much so that instead of his fishbone lunch, hes rewarded with a lovely juicy carrot. The episode closes as he tucks into it, pulling back to reveal the fish still slapping Green Rabbit about the face. Onto episode two: Time For Work. We know this because we can read Japanese (oh, okay, we looked at the filename). The prisoners are told to earn their upkeep (well, shown, as theres no dialogue in the entire series). Green Rabbit is given a tray of mismatched Russian Dolls, which he soon keenly assembles into their correct order. Unimpressed, the guard gives him another task: sexing chicks.

Green Rabbit keenly slides the various baby chickens into the correct tubes, much to the annoyance of the guard. Until, that is, Green Rabbit arrives at the curveball placed in the tray: a transgender baby chicken. Nervous sweat drips from Green Rabbits head as he ponders what to do, until he tries classifying the androgynous chicklet as a female. This turns out to be incorrect, leading to the sound of a klaxon and Green Rabbit getting slapped across the face with a whip. At this point, the door changes to a pseudo bank, where Green Rabbit is to receive his payment for the days work: a single shiny coin. The banker flips the coin into the cell in slow-motion, and as the sound of Bachs cantata Herz und Mund und Tat und Leben BWV 147 plays (and yes, we looked that up so youll think were cultured) the coin falls ever nearer to the toilet bowl, upon which Red Rabbit is sitting. Calmly, Red Rabbit moves aside, allowing the coin to land inside the toilet bowl, closely followed by Green Rabbit.

Ep three begins, with both Green and Red Rabbit receiving showers from a firehose held phallus-like by the guard. This ends with Red Rabbit ripping the cell door from the hinges, the guard (still hidden behind the now unattached cell door) giving Red Rabbit a less humiliating shower, while a naked Green Rabbit dries on a clothes line, his modesty covered by a hovering Transgender Baby Chicken. This takes us up to the first thirty seconds of ep four, where Red Rabbit fashions a crude game of pool from the cell door, nine Russian dolls, and TGBC.

So, Usavich still cramming a load of content in there, but Mertons blend of whimsy, trad comedy foolishness and Shredded Wheat sees him nab an quick equaliser. USAVICH 1, PAUL MERTON THE SERIES 1.

5-10 minutes

Usavich to kick off. The pool game starts with the cue ball slammed painfully into a cheeping TGBC. A game of ping-ping is then fashioned, and long story short, it all ends sadistically badly for the guard. And TGBC gets eaten by a frog in the toilet.

Onto ep 5, and its an entertaining fusion of everyday sounds in the cell combining to make a form of music. You know, like the bit with Tyres in the kitchen in that episode of Spaced, or a bit like something in a Cornelius video, if you prefer. It ends with the frog shitting out a noticeably embarrassed TGBC. Yep, this isnt particularly highbrow, but still oddly compelling. We dash into ep 6 (Time for Visitors), and Green Rabbit is excitedly hoping to see a member of his family drop by, only for the visitors to turn out to be The Frogs Mum, and TGBCs sexless parent. The tearful reunion for the latter pairing is cut short, as the frog eats TGBC again. A frenzied Mr (or Mrs) TGBC bursts through the glass and leaps into the cell to the sound of Bach. Sadly for Mr (or Mrs) TGBC, he (or she) lands on the notoriously short-tempered Red Rabbit, who reacts by eating cooked Mr (or Mrs) TGBC for lunch (or dinner).

The first minute of ep 7 (Time for Exercise) has the guard peep a whistle for Green Rabbit to exercise along to. The pace of the whistling quickens, leading to Green Rabbit getting more and more exhausted, finally collapsing on the cell floor. The guard, clearly unimpressed at Red Rabbit not joining in with the routine, bangs loudly on the cell floor in order to attract the attention of Red Rabbit. Red Rabbit takes this new event as well as you might expect, but instead of flying into a furious rage, menacingly strolls to the cell door, and takes the whistle from the hand of the terrified guard.

Goal kick to Paul Merton, and that beauty salon sketch. A nice throwaway gag about a new assistant forgetting to slice cucumbers before placing them on customers eyes. Next sketch, a pair of mountaineers trapped in a freezing hut halfway up a mountain. wondering what terrible fate might have befell their companion whod ventured out in a blizzard to try and get some rations a long time ago. It seems he must surely have succumbed to the terrible conditions, a fate surely now awaiting themselves. Enter Merton, carrying shopping bags while complaining about the wait hed endured in the supermarket.

Cue one of Mertons always enjoyable bits where he plays the comic foil to a room full of essentially straight characters, our favourite of which would probably be the one where he plays Frankensteins monster (but which isnt in this episode). Here, he goes through the collection of items in his shopping bags, stating how items quite useless in this situation such as kitchen roll and light bulbs couldnt be passed up at such bargain prices. The sketch rolls on from there for about a minute or so, until we hit the eight minute mark, and a sketch where Merton (in a suit) addresses a scrum of reporters and photographers. It turns out that hes a spokesperson for a hospital, where an unlucky patient turned out to be the surprise recipient of a new heart she hadnt asked for. Unfortunately, due to a further misunderstanding, the heart shed had transplanted into her body had been that of a pigeon. The story grows yet more surreal from this point, with our diagnosis being: this is a nice sketch.

Interesting to note that while PM:TS was a pretty low-budget affair by 1993 standards, it probably had more money spent on it than a sketch series you might see on British television nowadays, leading to the same half-dozen gags being recycled endlessly, if only to cut down on the costume and location budget, plus that gives you something to put on your tour T-shirts.

Back at the series, another trad sketch, where Paul Mertons treasure hunter follows a map displaying a dotted trail leading to a tantalising X symbol. Reaching the coordinates displayed on the map, he starts to dig, and

Hey, sometimes the obvious jokes ARE the best jokes. Though youll know we think that if youve read this blog for any length of time.

USAVICH 1, PAUL MERTON 2.

10-15 minutes

Usavich to kick off, and were back at the exercise episode, with Red Rabbit having just taken the whistle. As might be expected, Red Rabbit forces the guard to do some exercises as strenuous as the ones which made Green Rabbit a wheezing mass of sweat and fur at the start of the episode. ONTO EP 8, and Green Rabbit is playing a game of cards with the guard. Each hand Green Rabbit plays suggests the outcome hed like to see, showing cards that generally involve him finally being set free from the prison. The guards hands are more menacing though, involving nooses, electric chairs and the like, sending Green Rabbit into a nervous cold sweat. As Green Rabbit finally collapses with shock, Red Rabbit decides to take part in the game.

A nervous guard plays the same hand hed used to frighten Green Rabbit into submission, but this time is just met with the cold unblinking gaze of Red Rabbit, who plays his Joker cards, denoting a demonic Red Rabbit going Tonto with various weapons. The scene ends with Red Rabbit counting his winnings while the battered guard serves him chilled wine.

EP NINE Time for a Snack. The two rabbits are given a snack of what appears to be sugar cubes on a plate. Green Rabbit sucks pleasurably on his, while Red Rabbit rises, walks to the cell door, and forces them into the eye sockets of the guard. The guard reacts by serving an alternative snack, a delicious pudding, albeit one containing a barely-concealed bomb. Red Rabbit eats the snack in one chomp, the bomb exploding inside his belly, resulting in no more damage than a puff of black smoke floating from his burping mouth. Onto episode ten: Time for Toilet Green Rabbit, while dancing, realises he desperately needs to go plop-plops. One problem his psychotic cellmate is using the only toilet in the cell. The guard spots this, and ramps up the tension by prodding at Green Rabbits abdomen with a long stick. The episode ends with ah, we wont spoil it.

THROW-IN TO MERTON, and a return to the newsstand for the remainder of Part One. A customer approaches the newsstand, and notices a sign stating that everything is on sale. Everythings half price, its all fire-damaged stock, explains Merton. Alright then, Ill have a packet of cigarettes, requests the customer, only to be handed an ashtray full of cigarette butts. Its not that much of a con, though Merton also offers the customer the smoke from the cigarettes, contained within an inflated balloon. Merton then goes into a lovely routine about a one-legged man at a bus stop, a choc-ice, and a mass slaughter of Loyd Grossman lookalikes.

PART TWO and were back at the newsstand, and Merton eating a big spoonful of Brylcreem. Via a bit about his newsstand offering dry cleaning (Havent got one thats white with green stripes, just this one thats green with white stripes) were onto his ace sketch about a man placing unorthodox bets in a bookmakers:

Here, dyou remember me? I came in here last week and made a bet that theyd discover life on another planet within the year. Heres my betting slip.

Oh yeah, 5 at 10,000/1, I remember.

Well, Ive just been up to Mars, and I found this ant up there.

Even more brilliant betting-based banter ensues. Lovely stuff.

Right, when youre dead in the year 3000 you can come in here and claim your winnings.

If youve not seen it for a while or (gasp!) ever its definitely worth watching Paul Merton: The Series again. While it was put out in a post-watershed slot on still-any-good-era C4, its easily the kind of humour that couldve screened during Christmas Day on BBC One.

USAVICH 1, PAUL MERTON THE SERIES 3

15 minutes +

Merton reclaims the ball straight from the kick-off (because we want to see the ending of the brilliant bookmakers sketch). Back to more stand-up delivered amongst newspapers and Mars bars, and its all a reminder of what a bloody good stand-up Merton was at the time. The twenty minute mark is reached during an enjoyable two-hander with Paul Merton and Neil Mullarkey on a studio-set train platform. A throwaway gag about videogame addiction aside (back when they were still referred to as computer games), a throwback to a running gag from series one (we think), and a final sketch with Robert Daws and Merton playing businessman in charge of a struggling company. What seems like it might be a diverting but unspectacular ending to the episode takes an unexpected turn when Mertons character comes clean about his past in the illicit world of Old Woman Racing, with the action displayed in the live-action/stop-motion manner also used for Monty Pythons Furniture Racing sketch and Spike Milligans Standing Still Race.

So, a possible chance to claw back some dignity by the Usavich camp. Four episodes to go, which see the guard attempt to decapitate, poison, torture, shoot, and explode Red Rabbit, all to be vigorously rebuffed.

Finally, in the series closer, Green Rabbit is due for release. Upon spotting a particularly enticing pair of sneakers for sale in his magazine, Red Rabbit soon has ideas for an exit of his own, leading to the first action taking place outside of the cell, and setting up series two very nicely indeed.

A late consolation for Usavich, then.

FINAL SCORE: USAVICH 2, PAUL MERTON THE SERIES 3

Usavich is certainly a series of animations well worth seeing, especially if youre a fan of the utterly demented Japanese humour that you might find in games like WarioWare, PuLiRuLa or Super Galdelic Hour. You can see the entire first series of Usavich here, though be warned, its running at a distractingly less than optimal frame rate. Various episodes of the other series are on YouTube too, though their availability seems be at the mercy of Viacoms legal department.

Unfortunately for Kirenenko and Putin (the real names of the rabbits, weve just looked them up), Paul Merton: The Series is just too bloody good a comedy show for it to compete against, though that works out quite well for us, as weve only got one more series (i.e. twenty more minutes) of the show in full, and its all so packed its a nightmare to write about in a hurry. Phew, eh? If you read all that up there, well done to you, frankly.

So, Paul Merton takes up the first slot in Round Two, but who will be joining him? Looking at our schedule, the next match is a tantalising tussle between CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM and HANCOCKS HALF HOUR. See you then!

(Readers voice: When?)

Erm, soon. These take ages to do, you know.

Hello and welcome to the beginning of/the entirety of BrokenTV’s Celebrity Big Brother 2011 coverage. How so? Well, it’s kind of like this: despite everything, we still enjoy Celebrity Big Brother when it’s done properly. A couple of genuinely interesting characters in there, or at least someone dislikeable who’ll soon be given the chance to show everyone what a deluded buffoon they really are (c.f. that bit where George Galloway claimed he’s easily the most well-known of the housemates because "one billion Muslims know who *I* am"), and it’s worth investing your time in. Some people you may previously have dismissed as no longer relevant get the chance to prove how entertaining they can still be (the excellently grumpy Dirk Benedict and Leo Sayer), while some you might not have been familiar with use their fifteen minutes to show just how spiffingly game they are (Jermaine Jackson, Mutya Buena). Then there who forget they’re on telly and end up showing the nation just how horrible they truly are (Danielle Lloyd, Jo OMeara, Jade Goody and Jack Tweed), and those who end up being as pointlessly ghastly as you’d suspected the second they stepped onto your screen for the first time ("Donny" "Tourette"). It’s a right old tin of Inequality Street and no mistake, and that’s why it’s always been worth at least the occasional gander.

But this year, the entire series is blighted before the start by a figure more off-putting than any to have sat on the unnecessarily ornate Diary Room chair: Richard Desmond, publisher, businessman and current owner of Channel 5. He also happens to be owner of the Daily Express and Daily Star newspapers, a pair of as anyone who glances at their front pages from time to time will have worked out for themselves despairingly horrible publications more determined than any other to spread as many hatepacked half-truths as humanly possible, as long as itll glean a few more pennies from splutteringly redfaced bigots throughout Britain.

Were talking about a man who employs a pair of newspaper editorial teams who look at what The Sun and the Daily Mail do, and then think we can go more downmarket than them – thatll be the way to go! One newspaper especially hates Muslims, the other really hates Europe, and they treat those topics mainly by claiming how Muslims and Europe want ALL YOUR MONEY AND FREEDOM. Theyre both unabashedly racist, and dont really mind misreporting facts, blowing non-stories out of all recognition, or even just flat out making shit up to get an extra few quid out of their target audience. When it comes to the Star, were talking about a British tabloid SO BAD, even a seasoned tabloid reporter resigned in disgust at the levels of Islamophobia continually published within.

And whos the person letting this happen? Richard Desmond. As we said up there. Though for once, hes found a story big enough to knock the Muslims and their secret plans to replace all programming on the BBC with readings from the Koran or whatever from the front page of the Daily Star. And its not the aftermath of the rioting taking place throughout England, either.

Even the Stars supposedly quality sister publication found room to splash on Big Brother, alongside a characteristically misleading headline for the main story.

And so, we’ve made a decision. We’ll give the big launch night show a ‘target’. Here is a barchart.

…as you can see, there’s a tiny bar on the left, which reflects the current level of interest we have in Celebrity Big Brother 2011. There’s a big bar in the middle – that reflects how much we hate Richard Desmond. Lastly, over there on the right, is our ‘control’ bar, just so you know how much we dislike the proprietor of the Daily Star and Daily Express. Currently, it’s set at "having every radio station on planet Earth relentlessly play nothing but records by Paramore from now until the day we die", but might change as the programme progresses, depending how bored we get (or are distracted by Hearts vs Tottenham on ITV4).

As each housemate is revealed, we’ll adjust the chart accordingly. If, say, someone like Sean Lock or Neil Tennant unexpectedly enters the Big Brother house, expect the chart to zoom upwards. If someone like Lembit Opik or Paris Hilton turns up, get ready for it to plummet. If nothing happens to the chart for a long time, we might have got bored and started watching Torchwood instead. Yeah, things might get *that* bad. Whatever happens during the show, if the bar on the left remains smaller than the bar in the middle at 10.30pm tonight, that’s it for Celebrity Big Brother from us.

Oh, and there’ll be a special shock-fuelled jolt in the graph should any followers of Islam become a member of the Celebrity Big Brother house, considering the other arms of Richard Desmond’s media empire spent so much of their time printing lies about how the billion Muslims who know George Galloway are about to move here to claim double-helpings of benefit payments and gold-plated six-storey council houses.

Given the stories weve seen about who’ll be appearing in the CBB house, we’re not feeling that hopeful about the need to trouble Photoshop much tonight, but time will tell.

Here.

At 9pm.

Tonight.

BE THERE. (Here.)

[9.00 PM]

IT BEGINS. Just before the start, there was a teaser advert, letting us know well be able to see the full version of that bloody annoying Lucozade advert at 9.15pm. Erm, woo?

Brain seems to be adept enough at presenting so far. INCISIVE COMMENTARY ENDS.

First up: its. KERRY KATONA. One of those people everyone has heard of, but kinds of wishes they didnt. WHAT WILL THIS MEAN FOR THE CHART?

[9.10pm] As reported all over the place, next up is TARA REID. Who was quite good when she was in Scrubs. Though that was only for about three episodes.

[9.20pm] Next? Um, Mickey Rourkes let himself go. Oh, its PADDY DOHERTY. Off of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, according to Twitter. We really should have put more negative interest space on our chart, we suspect.

QUICK WIKIPEDIA ENTRY SIZE ROUNDUP: Kerry Katona: 2801 words. Tara Reid: 1339. Paddy Doherty and Amy Childs: NOT ON WIKIPEDIA AT ALL.

[9.25pm] Its someone from another reality show again. This is going to be a long boring ninety minutes, isnt it? Its vacant clone AMY CHILDS. Care.

We would post an updated version of the chart, but its so negative at the moment its burning a hole in the CONCEPT OF TIME ITSELF.

[9.33pm] Yet another ad break. We make it 703 ad breaks so far, and were only 33 minutes in. Meanwhile, people should be chosen by public vote to go on Celebrity Big Brother, whether they want to or not. At gunpoint if necessary. And then not put it on telly. Our vote would be for Piers Morgan.

[9.36pm] Next up, vapid miseryleech DARRYN LYONS, or as he prefers to be known, MR PAPARAZZI. Current status of chart: spinning around in furious rage at twice the speed of the Large Hadron Collider.

[9.40pm] Were due a MAJOR STAR right about now Nope, its SALLY BERCOW, wife of the Speaker of the House of Commons. No wonder Channel 5 are getting all their allocated ad breaks out of the way by 10pm. No-one will be left watching the channel by 10pm at this rate.

[9.50pm] Housemate 7 LUCIEN LAVISCOUNT. Whoever he is. If Paul Ross turned up now, that would actually be raising the bar, you know.

[9.56pm] Were not going to get a Dennis Rodman or a Michael Barrymore this year are we? OH WAIT from Baywatch iiiiits. PAMELA Oh, PAMELA HASSELHOFF.

CURRENT STATUS OF INTEREST BAR ON BARCHART: so far underground its battling with Ray Harryhousen stop-motion skellingtons.

[10.06pm] Its BOBBY [waits for name to appear on screen] SABEL. Channel 5 paid LOADS of money to get the rights to Big Brother. This is what they do with it. Its like us buying a brand new Lexus, then only using it to keep our recycling in.

[10.10pm] The final guests: the ones that all the money was spent on. Its. ONLY THE BLOODY CHUCKLE BROTHERS! Nah, not really, its JEDWARD.

That means we can complete our chart AT LAST.

We do actually like Jedward theyre wholly uncynical, managing to see the entire world through magical pairs of contact lenses that make even the most mundane things seem magical, and seem to be genuinely nice human beings. Considering everything else though, we cant really imagine feeling compelled to trouble the 5 button on our remote control over the next few weeks.

Unless were watching another channel that has a 5 in it.

And if we do, we wont be admitting it.

[11.08pm] My, viewing figures DO come through quickly these days. Tomorrows Daily Star went to press as the programme was starting, but theyve still somehow found out that the show has achieved a RECORD AUDIENCE:

Well leave the last word to Danny Baker, we think.

Goodnight!

The Guardian reports that as part of David Camerons ongoing game of Kerplunk with all that makes British society worthwhile Our Great Nations clamour towards the return of economic prosperity, the BBC may be forced to strip BBC Four of everything costing more than 17p. This is mainly due to the six-year freeze on the licence fee, itself hampered by the World Service now being funded from the that fee, instead of general taxation.

As you might expect, the Twitterati which wed like to think were a part of (but which we very clearly arent) got their hashtags in a huge twist over this, and with good reason considering BBC Four is pretty much the last stronghold of Reithian values within the BBC. By which we mean his giving the people what they dont yet realise they want ethos, rather than that whole I like the cut of that Hitler chaps jib thing.

When we were tiny, wed often gaze in bewildered wonder at the highbrow  documentaries on Egypt, canals or bronze that BrokenTVs Dad would sit through on a Sunday evening, wondering if wed ever be clever enough to appreciate such works as The Ascent of Man, Civilisation or Life On Earth. Despite the fact were probably not that clever the monocle we wear to social events really isnt fooling anyone the closest British television has to that now is on BBC Four. Thats not to say modern-day BBC Two isnt without merit, were as enthralled by James May building an actual house out of Lego as anyone, but BBC Four is so damn good at times, its almost as if its cheating. The other channels spend a fortune trying out hundreds of formats in order to find that right blend for the whole family, while BBC Four give an hour to a documentary on the Black Power Salute in the 1968 Mexico Olympics, and were captivated. And if it werent for BBC Four, wed have had to Google the Olympic year where Tommie Smith and John Carlos made their historic gesture.

From what weve read, the most likely casualties from Mark Thompsons knowledge cull will be BBC Fours drama and comedy output. We cant help but feel that would be the beginning of the end for the channel. Without the additional viewers brought to the channel by the likes of The Thick Of It, QI (series A actually premiered on the channel), Fantabulosa!, Filth: The Mary Whitehouse Story, Micro Men, Hattie, Lennon Naked, Newswipe, Screenwipe, On Expenses, Canoe Man, Thatcher: The Long Road To Finchley, The Road to Coronation Street or the forthcoming Holy Flying Circus, would other programmes on the channel have been brought to the attention of nearly as many viewers? And with the remaining programmes less likely to attract the same viewing figures they currently achieve, how long before the channel is dismissed as an irrelevance by the BBC-hating press, and calls begin for it to be closed completely?

Programmes such as The Curse of Steptoe attracted around 1.6 million viewers, a figure likely to be much higher than that attracted by the forthcoming series of Celebrity Big Brother on Channel 5 surely thats something to be protected at all costs? Yes, some of the bigger shows could supposedly debut on BBC Two, but in the modern-day hypercompetitive TV market theres no room for risk. Could the 21st century model BBC Two really have taken a chance on The Thick Of It being given three pilot episodes? On broadcasting the latest version of The Quatermass Experiment, the first live made-for-television drama to be shown on the BBC in twenty years? On giving Charlie Brooker thirty minutes a week to tear the television industry a new SCART socket? Or even to try out programming that didnt quite work, such as Robert Newmans long-awaited return to TV comedy, with The History Of The World Backwards?

Weve long held the (possibly misguided) notion that BBC Four is the very last outpost of British television where the right people can happily be given a budget and a timeslot, and be told go off and make something without being followed by a swarm of middle-managers who prod the talent with sticks while hissing can we skew younger?, can we get Mickey Flanagan in here somewhere, I owe his agent a favour, or this play about Shakespeare is all very worthy, but I dont like Shakespeare. Can it all be about him being shit? Its the BBC of the Radiophonic Workshop, of a thirteen-part series being made because of something Barry Took said in the BBC bar, of half-hour sitcoms lasting for thirty-four minutes because thats how long it needs to be or as close to that bygone Beeb as it can be in the era of credit-squeezing and logo usage guideline documents.

In short, if BBC Four were a person, itd be Alessandro Del Piero taking part in an under-12s football match, and its time for him to have his bootlaces tied together to give everyone else a chance.

So, what are the alternatives to clipping BBC Fours wings? People on Twitter seem to have come up with a few ideas, though they dont really hold up to much scrutiny.

JUST CLOSE BBC THREE INSTEAD! I DONT LIKE IT, SO IM HAPPY FOR IT TO CLOSE.

A popular opinion, but one wed have to disagree with. Yes, its full of shows called JAMES CORDENS WELL GOOD FUCK OFF IM GINGER AND WAHEY LADS SHAGGING EH SHOW or whatever, and despite making huge amounts of original content most people only watch EastEnders repeats and Family Guy, but there is an audience for it.

One of the reasons we stopped liking Harry Hill quite as much is down to a recent interview on Five Live, he was asked why TV Burp had stopped poking fun at BBC Threes Freaky Eaters. His reply was along the lines of its awful, thats why. And Im paying for it! Well, sorry to break this to you Harry. The people who watch BBC Three pay their licence fee, too. Theyre paying for the things they like, youre paying for the things you like. Oddly, considering young people are always moaning, they dont know how lucky they are!, we never really hear fans of Spendaholics or Being Human complaining about their licence fee funding coverage of The Chelsea Flower Show or Countryfile, but whenever the Beeb send a team off to Glasto to capture around sixty hours of entertainment for less than the price of two hours drama, its as if the ghost of Sir Hugh Greene is personally sneaking into the houses of Daily Mail readers and rifling through their handbags.

SACK CHRIS MOYLES! THATLL PAY FOR A DOZEN BBC FOURSES.

Much as we dislike Radio Ones self-satisfied money vacuum, millions of people do like him. And his contract is reportedly due to end soon, anyway. Hey, if you wanted Chris Moyles off the radio, you should have watched the eighteen different attempts to make him a TV star in numbers larger than piss-all. By the time he realised he wasnt suited to it, Nick Grimshaw or someone would be sitting in his DJ chair.

WAH WAH WAH THE BBC LICENCE FEE IS BAD AND WRONG ANYWAY WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO PAY MONEY TO HAVE COMMUNISM LITERALLY INJECTED INTO MY EYES EVERY NIGHT?

See this?

Thats you that is, you absolute flapping gibbons. As weve said before, for the first time in history you CAN legally watch telly without a TV licence. Buy a plasma or LCD screen that doesnt have a digital tuner built-in. Connect a PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 or computer to it, and use online services to watch catch-up content from a variety of UK television providers* on it. Hey presto, you dont own a device capable of receiving a live television signal, so you dont need a TV licence. AND whats more, the includes anything the BBC have put on iPlayer if youre not watching it go out live, you dont have to pay a penny, and its all legal. Us licence fee payers are the ones paying for your entertainment now. And guess what we dont resent you for it. Not a bit. Enjoy. Be entertained. Were not selfish, entitled dicks, you see.

(*Oh, unless youre including Sky in that. Youll have to pay BSkyB a fucking fortune to watch their catch-up service online. But hey, enjoy those repeats of To The Manor Born on UK Gold.)

ONLY IN BRITAIN, EH? WHY SHOULD WE HAVE TO PAY FOR ETC ETC ETC.

Sigh. It might surprise some people to learn that the BBC isnt the only state-funded broadcaster in the world. Albania, Austria, Belgium, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Iceland, Ireland, Italy, Macedonia, Malta, Montenegro, Norway, Poland, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, Serbia, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey, Israel, Japan, Korea, Pakistan, Ghana, Mauritius, Namibia, South Africa and Brazil ALL have broadcasters funded by licence fees. Do you hear many people saying say what you like about Slovenia, their nature documentaries are the best in the world? NO.

Meanwhile, in Australia, the Flemish region of Belgium, Cyprus, Gibraltar, Hungary, India, Malaysia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Portugal and Singapore state-funded broadcasters are paid for from general taxation. Too poor to own a telly in India? Tough, youre still paying for the programmes.

OKAY, SMARTY BOLLOCKS WHAT ARE YOU PROPOSING?

Well, the opposite of what the waaaah stealth tax! Stealth tax! whingers who probably cried that bit more as a baby because mummys breast milk didnt taste like Twining’s tea want. In what is supposed to be a democracy, and where people complain that youre not allowed to have the choice of paying the television licence fee or not, were saying: we should have the choice to pay more for our licence fee if we want to. Were told that the licence fee has been frozen for six years to help us all in this tough economic climate. Fine, but why shouldnt we have the option of paying more to help keep the BBC the way we like it?

The licence fee as it stands is 145.50 per household per year, with that price frozen solid until 2016. Why not just make that the minimum mandatory licence fee? Watch a lot of BBC shows? Love BBC Radio? Is the BBC website your homepage? Well, why not decide to pay the corporation a total of 165.50 per year? You wont get anything special for that extra donation. You wont be more likely to have your flailing arm picked out of the audience on Question Time to grill the Shadow Energy Secretary. You wont be more likely to have your missive read out on Points Of View. You wont get to guest host Have I Got News For You. Youll be doing it because you believe in rewarding someone for the good job they do. After all, what could be more British than that? Sure, therell be stuff put out there in the name of the BBC that you personally dont like, hundreds upon hundreds of hours of it, but thats because the BBC is for everyone, and everyone deserves the best BBC they can get.

Dont want to pay an extra penny? Like to mutter into your cocoa about how theyll probably replace Songs Of Praise with Lee Nelsons Well God Show the second your back is turned? Well, then dont. Pay your minimum, carry on kidding yourself that having a strong BBC doesnt help other broadcasters do the good things they do would ITV still keep letting John Pilger make shows such as the powerful The War You Dont See if they werent playing catch-up with the Beeb, for instance?

It neednt stop there. How about the licence fee reminder letters including a form that allows you to allocate your extra contribution to the areas youd most like to see receive it?

Well pay more than our fair share if and where we can, and maybe, just maybe, well keep BBC Four, and the rest of the BBC, every bit as good as it is now.

Weve been a bit quiet lately, mainly due to a prolonged period of our idea muscles being strained. But weve come up with an exciting and NEW idea, one that were sure will run and run. And idea that should easily last for around thirty updates, and which well never, ever get bored of. And hey, hopefully you wont too. Announcing:

THE BROKENTV WORLD CUP OF TV COMEDY

Whats that? We kind of spoiled the big reveal by putting that in the title of this update? Ah. And the big, lazy Photoshopped image just above this text? Oh.

HOW IT WORKS:

Weve taken a list of fifty classic (and future classic) television comedy shows from around the world. Not necessarily the fifty greatest comedy series ever, programmes that were able to lay our hands on without too much effort have been favoured. Of those fifty, thirty-two qualify for the finals. From that point on, its a straight knockout. One episode of Show A is chosen at random, and pitted against a random episode of Show B. We watch each episode, award a score out of five to that episode depending on how much we enjoyed it. The programme with the higher score goes through to the next round.

Oh, and well try to relay whats happening in each episode on a minute by minute basis, as if its a football match.

WHAT KIND OF COMEDY SHOW WILL TAKE PART:

Scripted television comedy. Not just sitcom, youll also find sketch shows, panel shows and animated shows in the list. In order to accurately reflect the global aspect of the medium of laughter, a total of 8 nations will take part: the USA, England, Scotland, Wales, Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Japan are all there. And France, if you count the Monsieur Aubergine sketches from Alexei Sayles Stuff. Sadly, the entire island of Ireland was banned from taking part, because we remembered that Mrs Browns Boys exists. Especially harsh on the Republic admittedly, but you cant be too careful.

THE FIRST ROUND DRAW:

And so via satellite, to Zurich where the live draw is finally about to take place. The assembled audience have had to sit through three hours of a European man talking about the importance of comedic fair play (Rule 473(b): simply having someone say fuck is not an acceptable punchline) and a stilted performance from a soft rock band who are equally inoffensive and pointless in any language.

The fifty shows have been trimmed to thirty-two after a lengthy series of heated discussions that saw the entire list fed into random.orgs list generator, and the bottom 18 shows left to try again in 2015. Pretty harsh on shows like Arrested Development, Mr Show, World of Pub, Smith & Jones or This Is David Lander (aww), but does leave some of the more interesting options on the list. This means the following matches are lined up for round one:

Stephen Fry in This Is David Lander. Sadly, not making the cut.

So, first up weve got wonderfully demented MTV Japan animation Usavich against Paul Mertons finest series of half-hours. Which episodes will be chosen to do battle? How will we get away with breaking our self-enforced rules in the first match, considering each episode of Usavich is only actually ninety seconds long? Will it be the Paul Merton episode that has the dolphin sheriff in it? LET BATTLE COMMENCE.

Tomorrow, that is. See you then!

Remember, this was what daytime television was like in the early 1970s. DAYTIME BLOODY TELEVISION. We really liked both Land Girls and The Indian Doctor, but seriously, bloody hell.

AND it was on ITV.